Breaking Free: How to Understand and Heal from Gaslighting
Let’s begin by answering the question: What is Gaslighting? By definition, gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone makes you question your reality, feelings, or experiences in order to control you. At times, it can be difficult to identify.
Gaslighting exists on a spectrum. It can be a conscious choice by the gaslighter, that is intentional and overtly abusive. It can also be a subconscious pattern that has developed for someone that can be more covert and seem to be covered in love, care or good intentions.
However it’s important to understand that regardless of whether it is intentional or not, the impact is the same. Even worse, it can be much harder to identify especially when clouded by “faith”or a religious undertone (ie. being “good” and not being able to trust yourself but needing someone else to tell you what to do and how to do it, needing to earn love and/or pleasing someone). I have worked with many people throughout the years where religion has been used to control, shame and suppress. For those recovering from this type of spiritual abuse, it is so important to remember your faith is your own! You have access to wisdom and connection to God inside of YOU, this is not dependent upon another person.
Over time, these experiences of control and manipulation can take a serious toll on mental health. Often people feel like they’re losing their grip on reality. It can look like a lot of self-doubt, and perhaps internalizing your own feelings and needs and not communicating them. Anxiety and depression can develop and worsen with these experiences. Those who have experienced these types of relationships in childhood with caregivers are also at greater risk to continue those patterns into their adult relationships.
Although gaslighting exists on a spectrum, the goal is to win, be “right”, in control, or get “their” way, not to problem-solve, so it can be very frustrating and defeating. However, if the gaslighting isn't a behavioral pattern, you may be able to effectively shut down the conversation and prevent it from happening again.
Here are some helpful ideas on what to say in these moments:
"We seem to have different memories of that conversation. Here's what I remember happening."
Asserting your reality without blaming or accusing can go a long way. This approach disrupts the gaslighter’s attempt to control the narrative. Calmly state your experience, speak clearly and confidently, while making eye contact. Stick to the facts and avoid getting defensive. If the other person tries to twist your words, simply restate your perspective: "Yes, that's part of what happened, but what I'm focusing on is…”
"I'm not comfortable with how you're characterizing the situation. Let's talk about [original topic] instead."
This sets a boundary and redirects the conversation. It directly addresses the other person’s behavior. If they continue gaslighting you, repeat the boundary: “I already said I’m not comfortable with this. Can we move on?” Becoming a broken record helps ensure that what you’re saying resonates, while putting a stop to further arguing.
“We may not agree, but my feelings are still valid.”
This approach really calls out that we’re not trying to be right. We’re just trying to express the way that we each feel.
“I feel like we're not on the same page. Can we involve a neutral third party to help us understand each other better?”
Getting help through counseling, having a witness and a third party can be essential to breaking these patterns of communication in a relationship because often the gaslightee has completely lost their sense of self, and struggles with their own identity, feelings and reality.
So how do you begin to heal?
Awareness is the beginning of change. When you find yourself in this type of relationship, it is important to begin to recognize the signs. Some common gaslighting tactics are a denial of events, minimizing your emotions, and making you feel irrational or overly sensitive. Gaslighters will erode your self-confidence and sense of truth.
Here are a few important steps in recovering from this type of toxic relationship.
Set Clear Boundaries
Learning to set firm boundaries with people who attempt to manipulate you is crucial in recovery. You have to create enough space to allow yourself to begin to feel clarity about your experience. This allows you to build confidence in learning how to assert your reality.
Seek Support
Seeking support from trusted friends, family, or professionals can help provide clarity and validation in the healing process. It can feel impossible to heal from this alone. Having safe people in your life who hold space for you as you learn to build confidence is essential.
Practice Self-Compassion
Healing takes time. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you are not to blame for the manipulative behavior. Learning to connect with yourself, listening to your body and it’s cues is a crucial part of healing.
Rebuild Confidence
Create intentional opportunity to regain self-trust and confidence. Making time for reflection on how YOU feel about things and what your experience is through journaling, mindfulness, and/or seeking therapy can be very helpful in this process.
Move Forward
Healing from gaslighting is a journey of reclaiming your truth and freedom from emotional manipulation. Taking small, steady steps in your process is so important!
Please be gentle with yourself friend. When you seek clarity and truth, healing can happen. Learning more about the patterns that may exist in your relationship doesn’t negate that there are still areas for growth and healing in your own life, but this can feel impossible without emotional safety. Being honest about your experiences is an important piece to the puzzle in healing. And you don’t have to do this alone! We would love to journey with you.
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